Monday, June 16, 2014

Time for a change.

I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't done much of anything in a while.  May flew past and we are half way done with June. It seems like summer will be gone before I even know it is here. Exercise and nutrition for me have been way off..ok nonexistent.  To be honest I have been in a funk.. a funk that has lasted nearly a year and a half.    I have zero motivation..and when motivation does try to come back from the dead  my negative thoughts beat it back into submission.  Unfortunately it seems like I am in a terrible downward spiral.  I don't workout because I am stressed about work..or what may happen at work..or what may happen in the future.  Seriously. I can not plan anything more than a week in advance because I am convinced something terrible will happen..something bad at work will pop up....someone close to me will get sick  or die..I'll get injured....etc.  (These are all things that have occurred to me in the past) Thus I have not planned any races. Thus with no races planned I have not trained.  Or if I do start training I realize how much time I have wasted not training and eating poorly and become depressed about that. Yes..I am currently a mess.  My stress eating has taken over and I am averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night..and not good sleep. My weight has been fluctuating between 242 and 245..the heaviest I have ever been. Honestly I am finding it hard to get motivated to get out of bed on some days.

So I am batting 0 for 3 in the main health categories..Exercise, Nutrition and Stress Management.

I am wasting my time and life worrying about things that may or may not happen while at the same time becoming depressed over things I have not done.  Especially since I have a six year old daughter who continues to grow up..and I am missing out on things.  I haven't had a summer vacation in two years and I am not going to get those years back.  I had to cancel our trip to visit friends out east and tour D.C. last year.  This year my wife and daughter went to Disney World on a trip without me because of work conflicts. I can't even explain how much it hurt to have my daughter go to Disney World without me. So how do I fix this..

First, I need to try and stop worrying about things.. Much easier said then done. Especially since my mind wakes me up at 2 a.m. or 4 a.m. and won't let me get back to sleep. I can control what I can control and that is it.  I also must get proactive. And I have to plan things..if bad things happen they will happen either way.  However, I must convince myself I can't waste my life worrying and doing nothing.  I took Friday off to be with the family...Thursday night I couldn't sleep at all because I was worried about what would happen at work on Friday.  Friday I waited for a telephone call..and tonight I am dreading going in. Thus I am not going to sleep.

Second I need to set some goals and plans.  I have two free race entries to use up this I am going to decide which races I want to do and sign up.  If I don't race then I have not lost anything..but at least I will have some goals.

Regular exercise should help my stress..and even if it does not at least my body will be healthier.  Although I have not been extremely religious my entire fact I have questioned it numerous times in the last few years...I have found that going to mass on a regular basis..even a couple of times a week is soothing.  I have also found volunteering to be good for me. So I will look to see what I can do as far as volunteering for more races, at church and my daughters school and sports.

Right now I don't have a passion...Work is not my passion nor is my fact they are probably what is keeping me from finding my passion.  I used to love volleyball..played 4 nights a week..spent weekends at tournaments....however I have not played in about 4 years and have lost touch with all my friends who used to play.  Triathlon and biking do nothing for me right now..probably because I don't have a goal to train for or more likely because I do not have friends to train with at this point. I'm so out of shape I am embarrassed to ride with people who have asked me. So I guess I need to find my passion again..if I ever actually had one to begin with.

My nutrition has to change since it is literally killing me.  Again, I need to be proactive with this. Pack my lunch..make my breakfast and plan our dinners.  I know small changes are the way to go..but I think I have done so much damage that I really need to do something drastic.  Thus I am going to try and follow the six week plan in the Eat to Live book by Dr. Fuhrman,  It is a plant based nutrition format.  I love meat but I can do without it..I have in the past.  The problem is giving up dairy... I love cheese. 

So in short..the plan.

1.  Try not to stress about work  and do things outside of work that make me happy - volunteer, church, exercise etc.
2.  Exercise (set goals and draft training schedule to stick to)
3. Nutrition  (proactive - pack lunches - plan meals in advance)
4. Reconnect with family and friends..make them a priority.
5. Have faith..and enjoy the blessings I do my wife and daughter.

I also need to take advantage of the resources available to me. I belong to a cycling club and tri club and have not had the motivation to attend any of their events this year. I also am active on a facebook page - From Fat To Finish Line that has a lot of wonderful people that are full of good advice and encouragement.

I am also going to keep blogging - it seems like a good outlet for  me.  I was hesitant about putting this blog online since it is a fairly serious post but maybe it will kick start my new program.  I guess this post is more for me than anyone else.  I need to change now - I am missing time with my family and friends and have not "lived" for a while.  I need to put things back into proper perspective.  What is a nice house if you can't enjoy it..and stressing to the point you can't enjoy family and friends?   I'm sure a lot of you reading this have gone through similar times in your life and can relate.

First Triathlon

Local hike

Buena Vista
Hopefully my next post will be light-hearted.  A few things that were positive the last 6 weeks.. My daughter did her first triathlon of the season and did awesome. She is also doing great on her swim team. I got a brand new..used 2005 Mercury Mountaineer..since my Sorento was totaled out in a car accident.  My daughter and I both ended up in the emergency room..but nothing serious. We also got in a short weekend trip to Buena Vista.

Hopefully I will be posting int he near future with some positive stories.  Have a great week and I hope everyone is enjoying the start to their summers. Happy Trails!


  1. I can relate completely. Since September, things just went off the deep end and I've gained 20 pounds. I got my official injury diagnosis and am eagerly awaiting my knee surgery a month from today. I feel like a failure and a fraud, especially after our Ragnar, the documentary and all of the exposure that has come from that. I've never wanted to run so badly! The only thing I can do is try harder, stop fooling myself about what I'm eating and move as much as my injury will allow. I SO look forward to that first attempt at running after surgery. I know I won't be running miles for a long while, but because I have done it before, I now know I can do it again.

    Keep writing. I'll keep reading.


    1. Thanks Linda. I appreciate the support. And do not hurry back off the knee surgery. I had an ACL reconstruction and the best advice I can give you it so do your PT and follow the Doctors advice. Hopefully your surgery is a little less drastic. And yo are obviously not a failure or fraud..just lost yourself for a bit..but you are still there. ;)

  2. 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
    Matthew 6:25-27

    1. Thanks Paul. Helps to put things in perspective..until the middle of the

  3. Scott, I'm glad you posted this as there are so many of us that can relate. I'm currently reading a book called "Bittersweet" and the author talks about having a life she "can do" instead of what she thinks she "should do" In short she made a list of what she will be doing and another of what she won't be doing and she chose to stick to the list. The list of what she will be doing consists of keeping her faith in Christ at the very center of her life, doing everything she can to make her marriage a deeply connected partnership, giving the best of her day to raise their children. There are a few more on there but you get the idea.

    Reading your post makes me think we could all benefit from choosing what we will do and deciding what we are willing to give up for those things. Maybe finding a new, less stressful and maybe even less affluent job could help with the things you want to be doing? I only say this because six years ago my husband and I decided it was time for me to leave a job that gave us a very comfortable life financially but I sounded a lot like you. If I wasn't at work, I was worrying about work. I missed out on so much. So we took a year to get our finances in order and then I left. Left the crazy, left the stress and am so grateful for the choice. I think I would have been divorced and a disconnected mom if I would have stayed.

    It might not be the answer to what ails you but it is what came to mind when I read your words. All of that to say I am praying for you and your situation, praying you will be able to figure out your solution so that the things on your list come to fruition my friend

    1. Thanks Marnee. I appreciate it. And I miss reading your blog. Hope you are doing ok. If you don't mind give me a shout through email. Thanks.

  4. I seem to be going through many of the same challenges that you are. I've decided to start doing something, anything, and start building on it. Then find my path. I don't know what it will be yet but I need to find it.

    I hope you find your path soon and share your journey. Good Luck.

  5. That’s a heartbreaking post, Scott. It’s difficult when you lose your motivation to move forward each day. However, it’s nice to know that you’ve decided to get over your depression and stop worrying about what would happen next. I do hope you’ll be able to post more uplifting articles in your next blogs.

    I do hope you’re doing well, especially after the accident you experienced. How are you now, by the way?

    Kim Hunter